unforeseen, unforsaken is a free weekly newsletter for the unexpected, the uninvited, and that which you cannot let go of.
This morning I started writing about letting go
and more specifically about the idea that I used to be this,
but now I’m this
and of my progress at accepting that, cause I say I’m working on it. and I am.
At the height depth of my ((mental illness crisis)) last year my mom used to say things like you’re not yourself and what happened to you and you’re losing it. she didn’t mean to be cruel. she was tremendously concerned and I was so low so low so low. she didn’t recognize me but that didn’t mean I’d disappeared. after a while I started saying I’m right here but I’m not okay, okay? and that shut her up.
humans are fluid and dynamic — one seemingly minuscule event can change a life overnight, and the trickiest bit of all this is that most of us aren’t taught that growth is vital. a wondrous part of the lives we live. we ought to have conscious freedom to blossom and lose our leaves breathing and blow everything to bits and start anew, to cycle as the seasons. to ebb and flow as the ocean. we are who we are who we are. we don’t go anywhere. we change. we start again. we still exist.
I recently deleted my old Instagram and started over with a new account because I realized that I can take control of my online presence as I change just as I am in charge of my physical presence : what I look like walking around on the street from day to day. I control who I offer energy to, who I spend time with, and who has access to me.
Are there changes that you have made in the last few months that you don’t think about? What differences do you see? What are qualities that you possess today? I mean words that define you right now. Here are mine:
big sister, first-born, poet, writer, editor, partner, lover, friend, website builder, artist, painter, loudmouth, dancer, person with a snort-laugh, jersey girl with a killer handshake
and there are more and they change.
Friend, you may not notice small changes but you’d certainly notice this : your mental health. if your mental health is even marginally better today than it was in February that’s a huge deal dude. good for you. pat yourself on the back. order yourself some sushi.
The journey I’m currently on involves a lot of looking around, and it’s not perfect. I’m not sitting around every day and meditating and breathing. not really. but I am super patient with myself. I don’t smoke weed anymore and that means I’m paying attention to my body, not the fog. it works for me. it feels nice. during the day I fall into bed for a moment between working and not working and taking a few minutes away from a screen so I can breathe and also rest my eyes (because I work on a screen all day long). I look and I listen.
LET YOURSELF CHANGE. LET YOURSELF POINT TO CHANGE. EBB AND FLOW. LET YOURSELF BE NEW. LET YOURSELF FALL. LET YOURSELF BREATHE. LET YOURSELF REMOVE WHAT HURTS OR FEELS WRONG. LOSE YOUR LEAVES. LET YOURSELF GROW.
I’m also reading the body keeps the score (Bessel A. van der Kolk) which is enlightening and terrifying and validating and if you are interested at all in biology meets trauma meets neurology and can afford to I say take a look through stacks at a small(!) local bookstore and see if they have it or order it from the library or see if you can find a PDF online (because lit ought to be accessible). though I’m not fully ready to digest everything contained in it, I know that it’s shifting some tectonics inside me. when I started it, my first thought was
this book and what it has to say is going to sink into my bones
and that sentence ran in circles in my voice in my head all throughout the foreword.
If you can see that you are different today than you were in February, and if you can see that you are changing, you are doing great. if you know that you are dynamic and full of multitudes, you are doing great and it is miraculous that you are breathing so breathe deep. changing and learning about it is so scary. look around, listen, blanket yourself with patience.
you can change and grow
you can start again
you can applaud yourself.
take a deep breath,
a
before you go:
there is something new I’ve recently discovered… I started noticing that often when I’m staring at my screen while working or scrolling, I stop breathing. I’m becoming more aware of it but it’s scary to feel like I can’t catch my breath in front of my computer screen. you might be doing it too. as I began to research it, I ended up here, which is where Linda Stone coined the term “email apnea” to describe the phenomena of shallow breathing or breath holding while doing email, or while working or playing in front of a screen. additionally, background information about better breathing technique as related to email apnea can be found here (and they also link to this).
and here is an album called mia gargaret by gia margaret which I’ve been listening to because lately I haven’t felt connected to lyrics that aren’t my own, so this has been my medicine
love you