To notice is to be alive
I have found myself noticing so much recently. I am sensitive. That is, to thinking / feeling / functioning as bystander to watch the clouds (my feelings) move across the sky. After reading this letter from Shira this morning, I was launched from where I was (with a newsletter brewing in my heart) to the page here, to share some things I’ve been noticing with you.
• When there are Big Ticket items in my orbit that I cannot fix or am deliberating too hard about, they hang over my head like dark clouds looming. When I resolve these situations, the clearing they leave in their wake leaves me with the most marvelous feeling. It is a brilliant sun-filled sky that bursts from the darkness. It is a rainbow.
• I am filled with the urge to hibernate. So much has happened in these last few months, and I expect 2025 to be a year full of changes, so it feels telling that I’ve been intuitively hit with this intense feeling to s l o w down. To turn in, to honor what I’m feeling and noticing, to rest without guilt (which I struggle to do).
• There is so much struggle present these days. I see it and I feel it. I listen to my friends and wish I could wave a wand. The suffering is profound and prolific. It often feels insurmountable. As December speeds by, it seems we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will it? Winter is not meant to be the time to be rushing and rambling and scurrying. It is the time to come down. To be together. To tuck in and ride out the cold, to set with the sun: early. It was this way for a long time, as our ancestors needed to be ready to survive harsh winters. It’s different now, as the holiday season is punctuated with media and advertising, and the emphasis is less on social relationships. I do hope that rest comes to those who need it most. Surviving on auto-pilot is no way to live.
• I went out to the market yesterday and came home with a Christmas tree. I walked it all the way home on my hip, after deliberating for weeks about spending the money and making the space in my studio. It fits well and after I decorated it last night, the magic that radiated off it was profound. I unboxed the ornaments I’ve been gifted and those I’ve made myself, which felt extremely ritualistic. I sat and marveled at it for some time and realized how the creation of tradition is as easy as saying, “I’m going to do it this way now.” The first time I lived alone in 2020, I researched the most sustainable tree options for weeks, and came up net neutral, so I foraged driftwood from the lakeside and made ornaments on my own. Now I have a real one, and that is special.
• Establishing emotional and mental equilibrium has been tough lately. I believe the best way to navigate this is to be with it. Meet it where it exists. Honor what my body is asking for. Let myself off the hook.
• Sometimes there are people in our lives who are meant to exist there in a particular type of relationship. This is a difficult concept for me to grasp, and I’ve struggled with it for a time because I carry the subtle belief that with effort I could coax a dynamic into something different. But obviously people have free will and it does not work this way. It’ll very rarely work out exactly how I want it to. Sometimes that hurts, but I am practicing the acceptance of this.
• When I notice my period is beginning, I am grateful that I took the time to slow down and do nothing but nourish my body with rest and tea and food from the market. When I notice that I am not giving myself grace, I know it’s time to shift my perspective. Step outside of myself. When I notice that my feelings are hurt because I am missing someone, I say hello, or I listen to their music for an hour, or I cry, or I check in with myself. I ask what is happening over here? Where is this coming from? What is that tenderness teaching you today?
• My birthday is approaching. The end of the calendar year always marks the beginning of a new one for me in this duplicitous way. Turning 29 seems a scary concept for a lot of people my age, but not for me. I get to keep doing all this noticing for another year? I’m thrilled.
Thank you for reading.
A
