As I sit to write this I am sautéing shallots in a pan with butter. For some reason they haven’t begun to sizzle, but I am waiting them out.
I am considering a few things at the moment:
adopting a kitten
going back to school
the song I am writing
who reads my newsletter, and why
and the way my grandmother cooked salmon (simmered in orange juice in a pan)
Sometimes I go through phases, as we all probably do. And to that point, the question that I often ask myself is how do I know that what I think I want is the right thing, or the right path to take?
An intimate friend posted a long Instagram story today about their struggle to find a job that truly aligns with who they are and what they want to be in this world. They are multi-talented, but they are forcing it to “get by.” It struck me so completely because I have been in that space before, and I can’t say I’m entirely beyond it, but I’m under shelter for now. I am grateful to have the job I do and to be valued for the work I’m doing. To love it, to be writing, to be cherishing and emotionally connecting to my projects. Not everyone has that luxury. I strongly believe that this is a belief that permeates my generation —
A “traditional” career path isn’t for us (for some, but not for all) and for those of us who are multi-faceted and trained and skilled in multiple disciplines, it can be difficult to choose one thing. (Millennials want a sustainable work/life balance, and beyond that, to be appreciated. But I digress.) How can we be expected to choose a life path right now when there are so many options? It’s a math problem with millions of variables. Plus, while making decisions and considering career paths, we have to sustain ourselves and pay our bills, pay our debt down, and keep a roof over our heads, food in our mouths… it’s crushing.
In turn, are we shrinking ourselves? What are we sacrificing to survive? It is difficult to say for sure, but ultimately it is a terrifying realization. There are so many things I want to do. At this moment, I want to go back to school, and there are practical and personal reasons for that. God willing, going back to school will allow me to continue doing what I love, while offering me guidance and mentorship that I don’t have while freelancing. More importantly, I can make room to feed my little student soul who thrives on talking and analyzing and raising her hand the highest.
Then I go: oh,
loans, scholarships, FAFSA, choosing a program, where do I go, when do I go, letters of rec, transcripts, etc. etc. and I begin to second-guess myself. So my new question, for me and for you, becomes:
What or who is responsible for the circumstances which cause us to believe that we are incapable of doing and chasing what will fulfill us, nourish us, support our growth, and position us for success? Why can’t we unapologetically pursue what feels most true to us without fear at every level?
That is, why do we second guess ourselves, and how do we stop doing it?
(Let me also say that I fully recognize that in many cases there are systemic reasons for why there is no room for this, and I am sensitive to this. What I’m exploring specifically is psychological and philosophical.)
My friend’s dilemma is a dilemma that is not experienced in a vacuum. It is not a phase, though they can overcome it. I believe we all share a piece of this pie. We share this fear, uncertainty, lack of confidence, desire, longing, urgency. It is tender, yes, but it is fuel, too.
You deserve to follow your aspirations, big and small. To chase dreams, your new plans, your old plans, and everything in between. You deserve better than to second-guess yourself.
Can you suspend disbelief,
and see what lies beneath?
I believe in you.
a