Snipsnap

snippets

It has been that type of cold out, you know, when you wake up in the morning and the water by your bedside is ice cold. I love that about winter — it’s pretty magical if you ask me.

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As I stand on the precipice of the new chapter of my life, having moved to Pittsburgh and working on settling in, almost everything glistens in the light when the sun comes out, and these last two days, it did. After too many days of clouds, waking up to the sun feels incredible. It charges me up. Am I solar powered?

The birds singing, the deer running down the middle of my street, treats in the sunshine, laughing and laughing and snorting and laughing, the possibilities, the opportunities, meeting people in parking lots and saying yes because it’s what I know I need. Having the chance to rebuild a life for myself, or remaking myself in a new way… but still maintaining the parts of me I know are good. That’s special. It jewels the light.

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I turned 30 a few weeks ago.

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This morning I woke up to the sunrise over the river. Eventually I got back to sleep but when I woke up again I found a new, sweet little wrinkle under my left eye. Not sure if it’s there to stay or not, but either way, I’m pretty happy.

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I wanted to sit on my couch and type but my charger cord just falls short. It is a couch that is brand new to me but old to someone else, and maybe she’s mourning it but all I can think of is sinking into it when I finish this post.

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I heated up some tomato bisque in the new pot I bought today and I ate it with some bread I let get a bit stale, but it was so yummy anyway. I wanted hot cocoa but there’s still time. I sat and thought about finding a recipe because I’d like to make my own. And then I wondered when I’ll be unpacked enough to cook a big meal.

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My new living room doesn’t have an overhead light so as soon as the sun goes down over the city and I finish watching the sunset like I did tonight, I have to turn the lamps on. They look beautiful but they’re not quite enough. I wonder what to do about it but for now I let it rock.

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I started the moving process on Saturday and for one reason or another I’m still not done but I hope to finish tomorrow.

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While I feel content I also feel a little out of control right now with all this space littered with boxes and stuff and silence. I want to get rid of dishes and containers that don’t have tops and I want to find someone to spend time with who enjoys kissing me. Not today, but maybe sometime soon.

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I know I haven’t been writing and I haven’t been responding to messages much either but life is hectic and what’s more is I don’t know how to fully express how deeply I actually want to connect to you. Or to you. It feels hard to even contain it all. I’m talking about it in therapy, the connections I want. The socialization of the neurodivergent. The weird patterns I experience. And my (lack of) friendship with women.

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I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I was diagnosed when I was little. I wonder if that makes me sad and I think it does a little.

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Something about the dark feels uncomfortable to me at the moment.

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I’m doing so much better all the time.

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I pray you are happy and well.

A