Sneakers in the bathroom
living a "normal" life with a not-so-normal brain
Look at these sneakers in my bathroom. Mostly, I’m a no-shoes-in-the-house household. However, today I couldn’t untie my laces quickly enough. The double knot was stuck, I hadn’t turned the kitchen light on, and I was already folded over trying to undo the knot. I became so overstimulated that I lost my patience quickly — too quickly, and I had to pee so bad, I said fuck it and I walked through the apartment to the bathroom, sat to pee and took my shoes off there. They may sit there for a few days before I move them back to the kitchen, if I’m being honest.
I’m thinking about journaling. It could be a thing I begin again, but I’m not sure if I’d stick to it. It seems hard for me to stick to things consistently. How does anyone? There’s so much to do. There’s so much I want to do, so much I need to do… and every day is like this.
A hard thing I did today was walk into the college’s Office of Disability. I asked about academic accommodations because I worry I might need them. It seems smart for me to put these things in place in case I do need them, instead of waiting until I need them… once it’s too late. The woman was kind, and I felt at ease, and I think that it’s going to be okay. I have to fill out a form. But in the meantime, my brain is awash with all the rest of it.
If I made a list of all the hard things I did every day, it would include a lot of whatever “normal” people have an easy time with. I get overwhelmed easily, and it becomes easier still when plans change and I’m thrown off course.
A great analogy I heard that I think about often is this: if you’re driving behind a car that stops because there’s an accident in front of them — a physical obstacle, you can understand. Empathize. However, if you’re driving behind a car that has stopped seemingly for no reason, with no obstacle in sight… you’re going to get angry, or honk, because it looks like they’ve stopped for nothing. This is the crux of the invisibility of what I struggle with every day. When no one can see what’s plaguing me, it’s easy to assume I’m totally fine.
I want to go to grad school. The process to do this is so involved that at every hurdle I look behind me and contemplate turning back. I have to be honest about this. All the “normal” questions plague me. What if I don’t get in? What should my statement of purpose state? What kind of research do I want to do? Where do I start?
I went to the academic advising center to ask if there were resources that were available to help with graduate applications. I told them it would be helpful if I had someone to support me in the process. Someone to help with accountability, as they are intensive and involve many parts. They told me it was “pretty self-explanatory,” and sent me to another office.
In the face of hurdles, the best way I know how to move forward is by working harder. It’s not impossible for me to complete tasks, but it’s more difficult and sometimes it takes longer to get started. Especially when there’s a lot on my mind, which compounds the problem. I know that chronic overwhelm leads to burnout, so I work hard to be kind and patient with myself.
I guess I’m dumping, but this felt like the place to do this, because I know I’m not the only person who experiences life this way, even if I sometimes feel that I am. The slightly twisted part is that I do walk around like I’m a normal girl living easy breezy in a normal world… but the reality is that I’m not! I’m totally not normal, and my brain doesn’t work the same way everyone else’s does, and just because people can’t see that, doesn’t mean it’s less important, less detrimental, or less beautiful.
I am smart, and I am powerful, and I’ve made it this far! So in spite of my collection of psychological hiccups, I continue to have faith. I’m telling you this for two reasons:
So that you have faith with me, maybe by asking how it’s going or offering support in some way that feels right to you
So that if all of ~this~ resonates with you in some way, you can have/keep/find faith in yourself too.
Keep going.
A
P.S. Here’s a song to listen to while you’re going. Let it be a reminder, let it be a spell, let it be beautiful.