It’s always so dusty in here and
I pull up the wrong window almost all the time and
I wish I could bleach the shower curtain, wash the blinds but
how could I possibly manage it all?
My statistics homework takes me too long to do and
I wish the person I used to love was still around to say something logical and realistic about my life and the way I could live it more properly if I offered myself more grace
there are nightmares everywhere and when I put everything into perspective (which happens often but maybe not enough) I know that I live a life of luxury because my basic needs are met and it’s freezing out there but i’m indoors
I have a job that people tell me i’m so lucky to have and I love what I do but I’m bored sometimes too
My cats like to play fight and Luna doesn’t understand boundaries but Apollo can’t speak to set them
I get caught up on a boy when I don’t understand his intentions and sometimes I wonder if my dad is mad at me
the world continues to spin and i’ve taken to falling asleep to cosmology videos
I wonder how anybody reads as much as she does or he does and my palms are sweaty against my ice cold laptop body
I have to make sure my apartment is clean and organized by the time Thursday comes because if anyone walks in here while it looks like this I’d be embarrassed like my mom always taught me to be
I wish I had some help and by that I mean sometimes it’s really lovely to be alone but other times my god it’s exhausting
If only I could split myself into four so that I could go volunteer and campaign for everybody who has it worse than I do half the days of the week while I also work so I can pay my bills but not have any money to save, and go to school now so that I can eventually go back to school later and also lie in bed all day long with the fourth version of me because how does anybody even survive like this, how do we survive like this
I mean look at the world out there, man. How do we survive like this while the world out there looks like that? I can’t believe that anybody works, I really just can’t
I want to run up mountains and lie around in a streambed and I want to ski and snowboard which I’ve never done before and I want to walk off a mountain again and sail through the sky… I want to tie myself to a tree and let someone bulldoze me out of it and then I want to sue them and win a million dollars so that I can plant a million trees
We’re just not supposed to live like this I don’t understand how we got here to the place where we all care so much about everything we have and there’s so much to worry about and pay for all the time when in reality all we need is around us but we’re so damn focused on working our jobs and paying our bills and acquiring MORE STUFF that we forget all about the beauty of it all
And then one day you’re going to wake up and your life is going to be over? That’s insane to me and I don’t want to do it
Count me out
This was an unplanned and mostly unedited post and not at all like what I usually write and yet… it’s as real as it gets right now. I pray that you are taking care of yourself right now and checking in on your people. And if even that is too much right now, I understand. I pray you’re drinking water and breathing, taking a walk maybe, and taking breaks from your phone. Whatever the care looks like right now is okay. Thanks as always for reading.
With so much love,
A