I am writing again

and today it's about shame and loss and forgiveness

unforeseen, unforsaken is a free weekly newsletter for the unexpected, the uninvited, and that which you cannot let go of.

In case you’re wondering what you’re doing here: you’re a new subscriber or you’re my best friend or my partner or my brother or your email was on a list now ancient. if you don’t want to be, you can find an Unsubscribe button at the bottom of this email.

(pssst! you could read on your way down!)

:::

The last time I sent a newsletter out, I was immersed in chaos in almost every aspect of my life… and now that my little world feels like a much safer and more secure place, I am starting over:

Have you ever put so much work

so much you into a project, just blood and sweat and tears and money and everything you think it needs to thrive and love and change the world and then one day you look around and you’re on the floor and you can’t get up? you were in your body one minute and the next you were gone? and you couldn’t do a single thing about it but you knew it would keep you alive while you were on the floor, on your knees, and you wonder did someone just come by and knock the wind out of me?

If this has ever happened to you I am sorry and I am grateful. maybe one day you’d like to tell me about it. I promise it doesn’t have to define you.

Before it happened to me I had started a business. with good intentions, but suddenly I couldn’t handle it anymore because I was overcome with pain and sorrow and loss. it wasn’t her fault. I am sorry that I let her fall so slowly. it was not without a fight. I dropped her so I could hold myself. I didn’t think I had much more time to be held.

I really wanted to protect that which was borne of me and that I worked on and loved and sat with and spoke to because I wanted it to be but I was drowning and I had to leave the sea. I didn’t want to disappoint you, and I’m so sorry if I have. if I did. if what I was trying so hard to provide fell short of what you needed, what you wanted, what could have been. I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore.

As I send this to you so too I send away my disappointment, my regret, my shame, my grief (well, not all of my grief.)

It doesn’t take much for you to do this too. What are you holding onto? What are you forsaking? You can release your pain and regret and shame and grief. You are allowed.

We humans are so capable of being remade. we can release and rebuild and fill and fill ourselves again. there are new projects to work on. I am one of these projects. You are one of those projects. there is so much for us to pursue.

I can’t promise you what unforeseen, unforsaken is going to look like all the time, but it is cathartic for me and maybe reading it each week will pull you out of whatever you’re trapped in that day and maybe you’ll take 30 seconds to breathe or maybe I’ll help you catch your breath. if I’m lucky, your breath will catch at a wonder, or some joy, or deep, heartfelt resonance.

take a deep breath.

until next time,

a